ONE MONTH

Man alive it has been one whole month of me doing illustration more than my day job. 

Here's how it started. I quit my full time job and took a 12 hour retail contract which I usually do all weekend. I guess that helps me not spend my non existent cash. I also completed a 6 week course on stress and anxiety which has armed with a a lovely list of coping methods for when i feel like shit. 

Of course my achievements have been endless and I'm signed to an agency! YAY

*sarcasm over* 

It has been a slow and gentle start. Considering I graduated in 2012 the work has not been a rapid flurry straight into professional illustration.  My previous success feels very distant as I take on this new beast. I'm happier than I have ever been at my desk but also lonelier. I've progressed more but I'm poorer. Even my mere presence at home is a challenge as we cant afford for me to use too much electricity day to day. Heating in the winter? HELL NO (thank god for my Icelandic woolly jumper). And of course we had to discuss how much in monetary terms how much and what I was going to eat in the week (my previous job fed me...). I've decided to write a little point by point of the past months experiences. This is not all of it, just maybe more of the basic things I have come across. 

1. Washed and dressed by 8.30 makes a better day than one slept in. I can't do that staying up till 2 am cause i just wake Rob up who has to get up at 6.30 am. 

2. I need to run more because i WILL get desk lazy. And my back hurts. 

3. Following the above point of desk lazy is desk fat. Today i have grapes instead of biscuits. would i eat the whole packet of bourbons YES. Did I eat the whole punnet of grapes? hell yes. I will just eat what is there. 

4. Netflix is my daytime friend. 

5. EVERYONE THINKS I'M A DAMN STUDENT.  

6. Or that I have kids. I must be mental to only do 12 hours of 'work' a week right?

7. Be resourceful with your paper! I can go through a pad a day so I'm now trying to fill the little gaps of negative space. 

Sub point- for gods sake stop sketching on the good stuff! 

8. Looking for work is hard. And i must progress at being more confident in doing that. 

9. Don't be too surprised when people like you, that shyness will kill your chances! 

10. Some people will criticize what they don't know.   

Point and case to this which has literally this second happened... my dad has literally just called me to say a mate of a mates wife who works in a 'big shop' in town want visual merchandisers and me being 'arty' fits the bill. I had all the good lines in this one... 

It's a real job with real opportunities. 

A chance to work full time. 

Not many opportunities like this happen..

This follows another conversation about needing to actually earn some money, what are you doing with your life and my favorite "what you need is a stable full time job". 

Well I had all of that. And it reduced me to an anxious unfulfilled mess. I've worked in retail, I've been a key holder, a waitress, bartender, barista, receptionist. I've served 100 breakfasts in one day, I have looked after a hotel completely alone day and night. I have worked 50 hour weeks. I have worked on Christmas day. Made thousands of sandwiches for 'successful peoples' lunch. I've been a housekeeper. I have wiped piss out of shower basins and cleaned up other peoples condoms after a classy night with cheap carnations and too many bottles of Lambrini. I have also learnt a stupid amount from it all. 

I don't want to come off as bratty. I just need to re-emphasize to myself why I'm doing this. I have spent too long and put too much effort into the wrong thing. If I had worked half as hard on my Illustration as on that list of jobs I probably wouldn't of had to type all this out! I'm stupidly lucky to have this little chance now to create and enjoy it. Not. Giving. It. Up. 

My head feels dizzy from all the thinking and now I am re reading what I have just written thinking GOD WHAT A DICK but hey its here now. For mostly no one to see and I'm fine with that.